Pregnancy Diaries 1

20 Weeks:

When the technician was pausing and concentrating administering our first ultrasound and then left the room to retrieve the doctor, I knew something was different.
Now, the doctor sat before us with a neutral tone and blank face explaining there was a small heart murmur in our baby boy and that given my age, (41) this could be a red flag of other things.

As the doctor paused; presumably for us to respond: I had no words. I looked to my husband, who clutched my hand, and locked eyes with him.

The moment was brief but poignant.

Junior broke our gaze, turned to the doctor and set his chin as he spoke.
"It really doesn't matter what your devices say. They don't account for me. I've got good genes."

Later, that night, I sketched while we rested in bed.
My husbands heart, my own- together; we would give our baby the strength of both.

The Beginning:

One day in late Spring, I casually mentioned to Junior, "I wonder if menopause makes you feel pregnant?" He shrugged. Neither of us thought of it again.

At my midlife- pregnancy wasn't even on my radar.

When a close friend of mine mentioned how the full moon was really affecting her menstrual cycle- it dawned on me that I couldn't remember my last period.

I was kind of optimistic.

Optimistic, that I was finally going to be done with that part of my life. I was sure it was menopause.
I considered calling my Mother to ask her when she transitioned. With the late period- I was sure that this was the beginning of my journey from "Maiden to the Matron."

While grocery shopping, I purchased a pregnancy test on a whim; thinking to validate my suspicions of Menopause before I called my mom with questions.

I sat on the edge of the bathtub with the positive test in my hand and felt like I was translating Latin. The "Positive" reading was as foreign to my understanding as it could be. I remember saying in disbelief "No."

My world felt like I had just stepped off the space ship carnival ride that spins you until you can't walk straight or tell up from down.

When I called my doctors office- I asked the receptionist on the phone "Can menopause make a pregnancy test misread?"
She answered: "You better come in Monday."
I also learned my doctor; the doctor who had delivered all my other children- had just retired. After all, it's been 22 years since my first.

Thoughts of my husband consumed me.
What did this news mean to us as a couple?
How would this impact our relationship?

I had said for years that I didn't want another child. I was clear. I was committed to being done. My husband and I had talked about how wonderful it would be to be grandparents together someday.

And as the thoughts exploded through my mind like fireworks, the plans and dreams and future we had spoken of and laid groundwork for, all becoming shifted- I felt a deep ocean of peace underlying all the uncertainty.

No, I never wanted another child. No, I didn't want to endure another pregnancy.
But this, was Juniors child.
Our child, we created between us.

I would speak to him; and together we would discuss the next steps- but I knew for me, and my own intentions-if this was meant to be the next part of our journey of our lives.
Then so be it.


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