Death- The Peaceful Nightmare

A month before my son passed away his Grandfather Bruce had a dream that Bruce was lying in a Meadow and to his right was Susan, his wife, and to his left was Jonah- My 2 year old Son. Bruce realized as he became more aware of the surroundings that what he had assumed to be a meadow was actually the Cemetery he had purchased 3 plots in 20 years before.

Bruce shared this story only after Jonah died unexpectedly. Of course at the time of the dream- he had just found it odd and like any of us would, a semi-strange peaceful nightmare.

I remember the window of time after Jonah passed. It's like a haze to me. I remember at the time feeling surrounded by comforting Angels while simultaneously the world felt like a Fire... walking through a nightmare and there was nothing to do- but put one foot in front of the other.

I wanted to give up. I didn't want to wake up day after day and face the world without my child.... but I had a baby 5 months in my womb and a 4 year old daughter who witnessed her brothers death and had become a mute. My husband, Jon- left that day. Not physically, he was in my home for the next 8 years but "Jon" disappeared. Sometimes, the spark of fun and laughter and optimism I knew him to be would surface temporarily over those next 8 years.... but "FEELING" was too painful for him anymore and those times were short lived. Sometimes, I get angry at Jon for that... but I always tend to let it go... because I understand. I can't blame someone for never being the same after their baby died.... I'm not the same either.

11 years ago today is the morning I watched Jonah die in Jon's arms while I was frantically crying for help on the line with 911 and watching Susan- my Mom-in-Law and registered nurse running into my house from the street.

Jonah died in less than 12 hours. There are no answers. They don't know why or how he died. He got sick- and died.

People have asked if I want answers.... to exhume him and find out if it really was that "weird virus" or something else... etc etc.
I've always replied "Why?" It doesn't change anything. It doesn't bring him back.

I miss him. I miss the idea of him I guess....
The truth is that I know things are the way they were planned to be.
This life is about growth. This life is about LOVE.

People who say it's a test etc etc... aren't clear yet.

Life is about LOVE .... the real kind. The unattached, selfless kind. The MASTERY of Self-LOVE... Life is about forgetting and remembering.

We are LOVE, we come from LOVE.... and we come here to forget it... so the process of REMEMBERING what REAL GENUINE LOVE can take place.

I'm on that journey- I'm learning it. Jonah transitioning to where he is now- has been one of the major parts of that.

The Dark time I recall after losing Jonah is lit with Starlight. Each of the kind and compassionate gestures made by those who were willing to reach out and extend themselves to me- reaching out a hand in LOVE and tenderness or gifting me kind words.... are THE STARS in THAT DARK NIGHT of my SOUL.

Because of them... and you.... I have shaped my life and promised the Mother/Father God I look to, that I will commit my life to return the compassion I received by extending it to others.

I am grateful for that.

I miss Jonah. I don't wish things different. I still miss him and I cry sometimes about it. But I know things are as they are meant to be.

                                                                   Katie Jo Welch


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